It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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