I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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