420 ftw
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
