A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
