Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
