I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
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There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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