It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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