She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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