I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
