he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
