just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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