You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
