your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
