I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
