my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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