I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
