When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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