I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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