I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
