so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I love you.
Bad choice
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
