apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
