Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
