the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
