in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
