when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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