life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
