I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
