I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
