If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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