You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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