so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize