My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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