upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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