I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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