I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
