We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
