I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
