david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
