i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
