She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
