Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
