Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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