Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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