my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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