Your face is a jimmy john
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
