Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
