absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
