where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
