i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
