there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
