i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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