Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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