i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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