i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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