Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
