Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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